Think about your best friend. Do you smile sheepishly when you think about inside jokes that no one else gets?  Do you recall fondly shared moments and secrets whispered over a glass of wine on a warm summer night? Does your heart clench a bit when you think of her and the distance between you, if life has taken you in opposite directions? Do you nod in moments of stress or conflict, knowing that she has your back like no one else does, and will always be on your side, even if you don’t always agree? Would you tell her she is fat if she gained a few pounds? Would you tell her she is worthless if she were to get laid off from her job or not get the promotion she was hoping for? Is she a loser if she forgets where she put her keys, and would you tell her so? OF COURSE NOT!!  But yet, we often talk to ourselves in this way, and see nothing wrong with it.

How often do we look in the mirror and tell ourselves we are fat, ugly, or not good enough? We are frequently our own worst critics. We talk to ourselves in a negative voice, make faces at ourselves in the mirror, or never stop finding fault with ourselves, even if done in a self-deprecating manner. What if you walked into a room and saw you friend looking in the mirror and saying these things? Would you let her get away with it? Never! So why do we say these things to ourselves?  If you heard your friend criticizing herself (I’m using the female gender because I think women are more guilty of this, but men do it too), you would immediately step in and tell her the things she’s saying are not true, and you would proceed to point out all the good and wonderful attributes she possesses. After all, she’s your best friend, so she must be pretty amazing! And your heart would probably break a little for her, knowing how she feels about herself, and that she can’t see all of these wonderful attributes she possesses. So again, why we do talk to ourselves this way?

Let’s all start talking to ourselves the way we talk to that best friend. Starting right now, make a pact to talk to yourself more kindly, smile at yourself in the mirror, give yourself a pat on the back when you’ve done something good. And be less critical if you missed an opportunity to do a good deed.  And then do it again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and so on. Be your own best friend by erasing any self negativity. Hopefully others will see this and follow your lead. Let’s start setting a positive example for the daughters, nieces, grand kids, and other women (and men!) in our lives.

Best Friend

Sometimes we speak more harshly
To ourselves than we intend.
We should talk to ourselves the way
We speak to our best friend.

Would you tell your friend she’s fat,
Or that she is no good?
Would you tell her she is worthless?
Of course you never would!

Would you tell your friend she’s ugly
Or does not deserve nice things?
Would you say she is responsible
For any misfortune that life brings?

Would you call your friend an idiot,
Or something even worse?
Would you mention she’s a failure
The next time you converse?

Of course you would not do that
Because you don’t believe it’s true.
You’d applaud all her great qualities,
And praise her through and through.

You would reassure her worthiness;
Her successes you’d commend.
So why don’t we talk to ourselves
The way we do our friend?

We would never point out flaws
In those we hold so dear.
So why do we do that to ourselves
When we look in the mirror?

-K.A. Bloch-