One of the reasons I wanted to create a blog was so that I had an outlet to post new material without having to wait until I have enough content to put together a fifth book. Since this week began a New Year, and with this being new material, I thought it was a good time to share.

When we begin a new year, many people create resolutions, or commitments they are going to adhere to in the future. Some of these resolutions have to do with setting goals as they move forward into the new year; losing weight, stopping smoking, drinking, etc. But many resolutions focus on leaving behind in the previous year that which no longer serves us. They want to enter the New Year with a clean slate; a shedding of their old self, if you will.   This is why I am choosing to focus on this poem, Letting Go (aka Survival), as my first entry of the brand new year.

In this poem, the main character is grieving a loss. We, as the reader, are not sure if the loss was due to a death or a break-up. That is open to interpretation. I choose to believe this loss was due to a death, because there is no anger toward the person who is no longer here. There is anger for sure; at life and at the fates, but not on the person who is now gone. As identified by Elisabeth-Kubler Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who pioneered near-death studies and the grieving process, anger is the second phase of the grieving process, preceded by denial, and followed by  bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The person in this poem realizes they need to come to terms with the loss and with this person no longer physically being in their life, but they are unsure as to how to let go. They know that in order to move forward, they must stop looking back. So they begin with a tiny step forward, just one foot touches the floor, until the other finds its way to the ground and they start to move. As the person leaves the confines of their home, and starts to walk a path outdoors (a big step for anyone grieving), they are met with a conflict of emotions; they are numb but yet they can feel. They are unaware of their surroundings, yet they smell the scents in the air. They are unsure of their footing, but they keep moving forward. The road is rocky under their feet but they sense they are on solid ground. They yell to the sky in anger, and look to the Heavens for strength. And it is on this journey that they begin to find a little hope, and perhaps start to move into the final stages of the grieving process.

 But…there is a setback. Something triggers their anger to return, and they want to crush something beautiful in their path just because they can; just because they want to. This person sees beauty in a world that has been ugly to them, and they want to crush it. After all, anger is typically an emotion without reason. When we are angry, oftentimes we act and speak in ways we would not if we were of rational mind.  We do or say things that may not always make sense. It’s as if something has taken over our body and soul and we are watching our actions from outside of ourselves. As with all stages of the grieving process, we move through them fluidly, perhaps not even realizing which stage we are in. We may not consciously realize that we have moved past the denial stage, or that we have back peddled into the anger phase. We may not even be aware of what triggered the change. It may have been a song on the radio or someone’s cologne or perfume, and suddenly we are consumed with memories and emotions. When this hits, we may backslide into a previous stage. People may say to us, “You were doing so well…what happened?”, and we might not be able to answer. We are just feeling all the feelings as they hit, and trying to do our best to survive and handle each day, and each emotion as they come until it passes and we can move forward into the next phase, with the ultimate goal being acceptance.

Eventually the anger subsides and the person realizes they cannot destroy something just because they can or want to. As their anger fades, they start to realize that for the sake of their very own survival, they have to let this person go. So there is a change happening…a transformation…as they begin to shed the burdens of the past and move into a new phase of life. Their very own survival depends on it.

 I want to include a quote from Queen Elizabeth the First, which is very truthful as one moves through the different stages of grief: “Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.”

Letting Go (aka Survival)

Another year without you near,
Another year’s gone by
As I slip my shoes onto my feet
And stand up with a sigh.

One step forward, two steps back
But I finally find my stride
The feelings slowly flow in
But I push them all aside.

I begin to find my footing
As I walk this lonely road.
My shoulders hunching forward
Represent my heavy load.

I see the dusty gravel
On the road beneath my feet.
I smell the lilacs in the air
With a scent that is so sweet.

I take in all the senses…
But yet I am so numb
As I plead for an outcome
That I know will never come.

It’s not that I’m in denial…
But maybe yet I am.
People say I’m angry,
But I don’t give a damn.

I’ve prayed to all the Gods above
As I’ve tried to beg and barter.
But the silence that responds
Only serves to make this harder.

I’ve pushed the memories aside
Finding comfort in repression.
But eventually they surface,
Lunging me back into depression.

How long will all this linger?
How long will this all last?
How much of my future will be
Spent living in the past?

How many days and months will flow
Until decades have gone by?
How many minutes will tick on past
Until I cease to cry?

How do I keep on going
When the path is long and dark?
Where do I find color
In a world that is so stark?

How do I not trip on memories
That make my footsteps stumble?
How do I stand up again,
When I find solace in the crumble?

I’ll tell you how…it’s just one foot,
That reaches for the floor
Until the other foot joins in
And they escort me to the door.

And that door leads me to the road
As I try not to look back.
I look to the skies and heavens
For the courage that I lack.

I glance down at the gravel road;
Rocky under my feet.
I breathe in all the lilacs
That have turned the air so sweet.

I find some gratitude and joy
As nature helps me cope.
And for the first time in a long time
I grasp a tiny bit of hope.

Then ahead of me I see it,
Standing all alone;
A tiny little rosebud
Amongst the rocks and stone.

I admire its tenacity
And the strength that it has found
To push through the adversity
And make its way above the ground.

Though part of me, in anger,
And the coldness in my blood
Wants to walk right over to it
And step on that tiny bud

And crush it to the ground
So that it loses any chance
Of brightening this world,
As the wind lures it to dance.

But I know I cannot do that…
I know it isn’t right…
Just because I live in darkness
I can’t steal another’s light.

Oh the beauty in this world…
It’s there for everyone to see.
But I feel so left behind,
As there’s no beauty left in me.

Only cruelty remains…
And anger, and despair.
I can’t enjoy the sunshine
Or sweet lilacs in the air.

But yes I can! It is okay
To allow myself to grieve
And embrace all the feelings
While praying they will leave.

So many raw emotions
As I confront this grief.
But as I shed my burdens
I begin to feel relief.

For this shedding of my anger
Through the tears that start to flow
Is like the shedding of a former self,
Making room for me to grow.

And though I’ll grow without you,
For you’re not here any longer,
Just knowing you and loving you
Has served to make me stronger.

And through this strength I will live on.
Through this strength, I will prevail
To live a long and fruitful life.
I know I will not fail.

So I look upon this tiny bud
As if it were a sign
Placed directly in my path
For only me to find.

I bend down to get a closer look
And my lips form a slight smile.
My muscles protest the movement,
For it has been quite awhile.

But for the first time, in a long time,
I stand up tall and straight
And look toward the future;
In fact I cannot wait.

I am sure that I will stumble
And I’m most definitely scared.
But for the first time in a long time,
I feel that I’m prepared.

And living in the past
No longer serves my soul.
I have to make a new life;
That must become my goal.

After the darkest, coldest nights,
I await the sun’s arrival.
And I know that moving forward
Is the key to my survival.

There are many things I’m unsure of
But one thing that I know…
In order for myself to live,
I have to let you go.

-K.A. Bloch-
©2024