Have you ever been betrayed by someone you trust? I hope not. But the truth is most of us have been at some point if or when someone has done or said something that sent us reeling. When we are younger, the betrayal may be small but feel huge, just due to our young age and inexperience. We may feel betrayed when we learn there is no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. You might feel betrayed if you are one of the few people in your fifth grade class who didn’t get invited to the popular kid’s birthday party; or if you learn your group of friends has been talking about you behind your back. As we age and gain more life experience, those of you who are adopted may feel a sting of betrayal when you learn your parents are not your biological family, especially if you found out by accident. Just because the betrayal happens when we are young, doesn’t minimize it or make it less important. Oftentimes it feels monumental, but we may feel like we are being pushed aside or are feelings minimized by the adults in our lives as they might poke fun at us, or try to lighten the situation by telling us this will pass. How we process and handle these experiences as adolescents is a tough first step in shaping how we handle trying times as we grow, and is the beginning of shaping our character and the person we will become.
Typically when we get older, the betrayals get more serious, but not always. The betrayal might come in the form of a little white lie where someone gets caught. Have you ever been invited to an outing with friends or a holiday party but you really didn’t want to go? Perhaps you were burnt out from all of the holiday festivities, so you told a little fib, such as you were sick or had another engagement, so you could stay home and binge your favorite TV show. You might not have felt that you could be honest with the person, for fear they would pressure you into doing something you really didn’t want to do. If the invitee learns of your falsehood, they might feel betrayed by your lack of honesty, and they may question the relationship and wonder why you felt you couldn’t be honest with them. Social media can be a big tattletale and can sometimes betray us in ways we may not have expected or anticipated. For example, if we decline that invitation and tell that little lie to get out of it, but we attend something else in its place, someone may have taken a photo at the event that makes its way to social media. Before we know it, our secret might be discovered. The person whose invitation we declined might feel hurt or slighted, or as if they can’t trust us. The next time we decline an invitation, they may question our sincerity. So even though it may have seemed innocent enough, it can have a big ripple effect and cause a strain in the relationship.
We almost go through a phase of denial when we learn of a betrayal. We might shake our head in disbelief, or cover our ears or eyes to shield ourselves from the things we don’t want to hear or see. The woman in the upcoming poem definitely does that when she sees something she can’t believe is happening. She feels a rush of emotions, including feeling like she has been stabbed in the back and slapped across the face. As she begins to process, she starts to move through different stages of emotions, similar to when we lose someone either through death or a break-up and we go through the different stages of grief as identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her studies on dying and the grieving process. Like the stages of death and mourning, we may feel like we have tackled or moved on from a stage, such as anger, but something triggers us and causes us to backslide into one of the earlier stages. So dealing with betrayal, like any loss, is a process. And it is a loss. It is a loss of the old relationship, because like it or not the betrayal has caused a shift in the relationship. It is a loss of trust and perhaps a loss of respect for the person who created the betrayal. And it’s a decision. A decision needs to be made to move forward and rebuild, or if the best course forward is to let the relationship die next to the betrayal that killed it.
But there is hope. If the decision is made to reconcile and repair the relationship,trust can be rebuilt, but it can also be a long and arduous process. In my second book, “Scatter Seeds of Kindness”, there is a poem called Humble Pie, in which someone spoke some harsh words to another. As soon as the harsh words left the person’s mouth, they regretted it and wished they could instantly take them back, like an Edit>Undo button. Here is the link to the poem including a video poetry reading: https://thepracticalpoet.com/humble-pie-from-scatter-seeds-of-kindness/. The follow up poem, Forgiveness from my third book “Gather Seeds of Hope”( https://thepracticalpoet.com/forgiveness-from-gather-seeds-of-hope/), is written from the perspective of the person who was targeted by the harsh words spoken in Humble Pie, and this person has to make the decision to forgive and make amends. We often think forgiveness is for the other person, as if we are letting them off the hook. But ultimately, forgiveness is for us, so that we can find some peace and move forward without holding onto a constant grudge or negative emotions. It is not about condoning the behavior or letting them off the hook. It is about letting ourselves off the hook so that we can move on…or not. Certainly no one can blame anyone for choosing not to forgive and rebuild. There is also the option of forgiving, but choosing to not have a relationship with the person going forward, because you feel they won’t have your best interests at heart.
Even if the relationship can be mended, some of the betrayal still lingers. Betrayal is sticky, like gum on your shoe. Some of the pieces still remain. It’s like sand in your car after a day at the beach. Long after you think you’ve vacuumed it all up, you still find traces left behind. It is at that point that we have to decide how to proceed. Can we move on and totally put it behind us, or will we always be looking over our shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop?
The Thing about Betrayal…
A woman was running to and fro
Conducting her weekly chores.
She was focused on her shopping list
And making it through the stores.
She stopped to catch her breath
And then looked up to see
Her husband and her best friend
Standing closer than should be.
She watched them from a distance
As her friend tossed back her hair.
She knew that there was no way
They could see her standing there.
Her friend tilted back her head,
Laughingly loudly at his joke.
She put her hand upon his chest
And lightly began to stroke.
The woman felt her anger build
And she felt ready to attack
But first she knew she must dislodge
The knife inside her back.
She felt burdened by betrayal.
Her senses all were reeling.
She could not begin to process
All the emotions she was feeling.
But then she got her bearings
And deep breaths helped calm her nerves.
She looked over at her friend,
All flowing hair and sexy curves.
She thought maybe it was innocent
And she’d blown it out of proportion.
Perhaps her insecurities
Had led to her distortion.
She denied what she was seeing,
Shrugging it off as misperception.
She couldn’t believe these two people
Would engage in such deception.
Perhaps the flirting was all in fun
And nothing was amiss
Until she saw them both lean in
And share a loving kiss.
Such important people in her life
Surely would not deceive!
If she had not seen it with her own eyes
She never would believe.
But here they were, just feet away
Locked in a warm embrace.
Along with the knife inside her back
She felt slapped across the face.
The thing about betrayal,
Whether it be from friend or foe,
Is that it could be happening
And you may never know.
Betrayal can take place easily
Right before our eyes.
Betrayal may be unfolding
And we might not realize.
Betrayal can take many forms:
Lying, cheating, greed.
When a friend betrays your trust
This is someone you don’t need.
For a true friend would never hurt you
Or rearrange your life.
A friend would never stab your back
With a proverbial knife.
Trust is earned. Trust takes time.
But in minutes it can be gone,
Leaving you to question
Why this person did you wrong.
But trust can be rebuilt slowly
Over months or even years.
The healing often comes with anger
And usually with tears.
There will be moments of understanding
Followed by hours of frustration.
But in the end, rebuilding may lead
To a much stronger foundation.
But the thing about betrayal
Is that part of it remains.
You might find you can’t completely
Clean up all the stains.
Some pieces of betrayal
May always linger in your mind.
You try hard to move forward
But your subconscious hits rewind.
Another thing about betrayal . . .
It sticks upon your skin,
You try to wash it away
But it lingers like a sin.
So even though you try not to,
You’re always bracing for impact
As you try to move on forward
While you also watch your back.
-K.A. Bloch-
