In my second book, “Scatter Seeds of Kindness” (link to the book is available on the Books tab), there is a poem about a little yellow convertible that I purchased from my mom and stepdad after my mom got too sick to drive. It is a great little car; a BMW Z3 Roadster in beautiful Dakar yellow. The following spring after her death in November, I would often take the car on long rides, just letting the wind in my hair and the songs on the radio sooth my soul. In the prose that preceded the poem, I mentioned that when I ride around in that car, I have an angel on each shoulder, referencing my mom and dad, who have both passed. One day, while listening to a podcast, the host mentioned how she had purchased something that she should not have bought, and said the devil on her shoulder had won out with that purchase. That inspired me to entertain this concept of the angel or devil on our shoulder, and the whisperings of each that we listen to at different times. I am sure we have all seen cartoon depictions of someone struggling with a decision, and the angel with the halo is on one side and the devil with his pitchfork is on the other and the person is looking back and forth trying to decide which voice to listen to. I have certainly allowed the devil on my own shoulder to win out when I have also purchased things I probably shouldn’t have, or engaged in reckless behavior when I knew better.
In that same book, there is a poem called The Storm Inside that I wrote when I was much younger and found in a notebook when I was writing “Scatter Seeds of Kindness”. This poem discusses how we are all fighting our own internal battles and we do not know what other people are dealing with, so a little kindness goes a long way. However, as I also admitted, I have my own struggles with being kind on occasion, so at those moments I know that pesky devil on my shoulder is winning out. But alas, I always seem to shake it off and realize when I have been unkind or could have made a better decision, and I know the angel on my other shoulder has stepped forward to guide me in the other direction. Oftentimes it comes down to a battle between right and wrong, good and bad, kind and cruel. Usually for me I have found common ground somewhere in the middle. I am never going to be a perfect human, none of us are, and there are always things that I will look back upon and realize I could have done better. I will never have an entirely sunny disposition all the time. There will be some bad moods that creep in even though life is very good and I am grateful for all of the blessings that have come my way. In my heart I know that I am a good person at the core and even though that devil does win out sometimes and the negativity creeps in, I can usually kick it to the curb pretty quickly.
In this poem you can really hear the internal struggle that the person is going through as he or she tries to shake off the dark mood. We all go through this when we want something we know we shouldn’t have or should not do and we try to justify the decision in any way we can. Right or wrong we need to be prepared to live with the consequences of that decision. In moments of struggle, that is when we have to decide which voice we will embrace, and which voice we will ignore.
Have you ever heard the Native American parable of the story of the two wolves? In this story an older Cherokee Indian is teaching his grandson about life and the struggles within. He explains that a fight is going on inside of him, and the fight is between two wolves. One of the wolves is evil; full of anger, resentment, greed, among many other ugly characteristics. The other wolf is good; full of peace, love, hope, joy, compassion, humility, and the list of positive attributes goes on and on. The elder Cherokee explains to the boy that this same fight is going on within every person. After giving it some thought, the boy asks which wolf will win. The Cherokee responded simply, “The one you feed.”
The Devil on My Shoulder
All the affirmations say
To wake up with gratitude.
I try my best, but there are days
I am just not in the mood.
For reasons that I cannot explain
My temper just feels sour.
But to change my frame of mind today
Seems far outside my power.
I rather enjoy this feeling
Of being irritable and weary.
The weather seems to match my mood;
It is overcast and dreary.
I know I should erase this mood
But I fear it will remain.
The world grips my darkness
As the clouds release the rain.
Do I give in to the negative
And let it win this round?
Or do I fight with all my might
To turn bad thoughts around?
I hope that I am wrong
And I hope it goes away,
But I think the devil on my shoulder
Will win the fight today.
But the angel on my other shoulder
Makes her presence known
As she steps forth to let the devil
Know he’s not alone.
And it begins, a struggle,
As the angel takes a chance
To try to turn my gloom around
As they begin a dance.
Waiting to see which side I’ll pick;
Which side will I choose?
Will I let my angel overtake
And chase away the blues?
Or will I let the devil win
As I fight to pick a side;
Determining what my soul needs,
And what each one can provide?
The devil on my one shoulder
Wants me to be hateful,
While the angel on my other side
Persuades me to be grateful.
I can’t linger in this foul mood
So I have to make a choice.
Which one can sooth my soul
With the more appealing voice?
It is hard to fully pick a side
When the world has so much strife.
But who wants to walk around all day
Mad at the world and at life?
No one wants to stay here
Fighting this internal war,
As I lean toward the bright side
And the darkness I ignore.
But then, I rather like the dark
As I try to plead my case.
But the bright side is more alluring
As the voice I should embrace.
There’s a lot in the world to fret about,
And the world can be unkind.
But knowing that we can change our thoughts
Can bring some piece of mind.
A positive mind is something that
We all can take control.
Embracing the hopeful thoughts inside
Can help to sooth our soul.
But the darkness doesn’t quite disappear
Although we wish it could.
In this race that we call human
There is bad among the good.
Here I am, in the middle of both
So I will pick a middle ground.
I’ll choose a little of each one
As my bitterness turns around.
I feel a little lighter
As the dark starts to ascend.
I pull myself together
And the bad mood starts to mend.
I smile a bit, feeling relief
As I kick away the gray.
Sorry, devil on my shoulder …
Today is not your day.
