I once had a therapist give me some really good advice. She said to me “Your friends don’t need to know everything about your life”. Boom! That really resonated with me because we often feel like we need to share things with our friends and family, including the not-so good moments in our lives or relationships. If things are not going well, we tend to rely on our friends as our emotional support system to help us through those hard times. And they usually provide great advice or at least an ear to bend, as we typically walk away feeling better and a little lighter, often as a result of a good cry. But sometimes, sharing personal details can backfire. If we complain to a friend about a fight we had with our spouse or partner, they will listen empathetically and will offer their own view of the situation, usually keeping our best interests in mind as they “have our back”. Sometimes they will get angry right along with us, cursing out the other party as they take on our frustration as if it was their own.. But when we work it out with our partner and things go back to normal, we tend to put the fight or disagreement in the background, choosing to move forward in the relationship. However, our friend, the one who held our hand and cried along with us, may not be so quick to forgive and forget. They may hold a grudge against our partner, or remind us in the future about that time we had that big fight, and how upset we were. Our relationship with our spouse may return to normal, but our friend may be skeptical now of our partner, and that relationship may be negatively impacted. So are we best not to share personal details? I suppose that depends on how big the fight or how deeply we are upset. By all means, if we need help and support we may need to call on our friends, and they want to be there for us. But we also have the right to keep some of the details to ourselves, or seek out a third party like a therapist, who can offer an unbiased view of the situation.
In the same book, “Sow Seeds of Wisdom”, there is a poem called Cracks in the Foundation. A link to the blog post is here: https://thepracticalpoet.com/cracks-in-the-foundation-from-sow-seeds-of-wisdom/. This poem talked about how we sometimes put on the façade that things are perfect or better than they are. We want our family photographs to be filled with beautiful smiles and joyous occasions, our relationships to be one that others envy, and our home to be a beautiful structure with perfect, manicured lawns. But what we don’t often see, and what we don’t want shown is that the building may be crumbling, the relationship on thin ice, and the family less than the perfection the photos portray. The poem ponders what would happen if everyone came clean and revealed their flaws, cracks and all. Would we all be appalled at what others revealed? Perhaps at first. But then we’d probably realize we all have imperfections that we try to hide from the outside world, and that perfection, as so eloquently stated by doll maker Gayle Wray, only exists in babies and pastries.
This next poem is along those same lines of hiding things from the world that we don’t want revealed. But whereas “Cracks in the Foundation” brought our families and relationships, and even our homes into the hiding, this poem is more of a personal nature, such as not revealing our thoughts, bad habits, or things we’re ashamed of to the outside world. In the past several years there have been a few movies that centered on a character being able to read other people’s minds. The Mel Gibson/Helen Hunt movie “What Women Want” comes to mind. As the main character, played by Gibson, quickly learns, he has no idea what women want, as he is often surprised to learn that what the women are thinking is the exact opposite of what he would have assumed. I am grateful that thoughts cannot be read. Even though I try to keep my thoughts positive and upbeat, I am only human, and those thoughts can turn dark if I am in an irritated mood or stuck in traffic or a long line. But as this poem also brings to light, everyone has these dark thoughts at times or things we would rather not have revealed to the outside world. It’s not that we’re bad people or that we’re doing something sinister or illegal (hopefully!), but we are allowed to have our private thoughts and moments, things that belong just to us. Not everything has to be shared, put on display, or posted on social media. What we choose to reveal and what we choose to remain private is a decision that belongs to us alone. That being said, if you are hiding something that is destructive to yourself or others, or there is something so heavy that it is weighing you down, then perhaps it is best to reveal that to someone you trust or a professional, before that burden gets to be too much to carry by yourself.
Things We Choose Not To Reveal
A teenage girl hovers the knife
Just above her wrist.
She’s careful to avoid the vein
Because once she just barely missed.
She feels the blade make contact,
And the liquid begins to seep.
Relief and blood flow out of her,
But still she starts to weep.
The next morning she dons a warm shirt
And pulls the sleeves down tight.
The scars are red and angry
And she must hide them from sight.
She knows she can’t reveal this
To her family and her friends.
But she fills up with anxiety
Until she can cut herself again.
That same morning a businessman
Gets into his car.
He pretends he’s going into work
But instead heads for the bar.
He feels a wave of shame,
For his family does not know
That he was fired from his job
Over a month ago.
But the reason he was let go,
Despite what he might think,
Is because he spent too many days
Devoted to the drink.
He will not tell this to his wife.
He will not let her know.
He’ll make up another reason
As to why he was let go.
A little boy at a slumber party
Shamefully hangs his head.
He cannot let his friends know
That he has wet the bed.
For they would taunt and tease him
And he cannot face the shame.
So he throws his sheets into a corner
And joins them in their game.
A woman stands in a grocery store,
Searching for the shortest lane.
She picks one and unloads her cart,
Then feels her patience wane.
The customer at the register
Is paying with food stamps.
She tries to hide a loud sigh
As her annoyance quickly ramps.
She feels a bit superior.
She sets herself apart
As she takes a silent inventory
Of items in his cart.
She’s not proud of what she’s thinking
As she impatiently waits in line.
But she feels a bit of relief
That others can’t read her mind.
Sometimes we cannot help our thoughts
Or how things make us feel
So we put them in the category
Of things we don’t reveal.
Perhaps we have a lot of debt
Or drink a bit too much.
Perhaps someone touches their spouse
With an aggressive touch.
Maybe we think angry thoughts
Or justify a lie.
But if we were ever called to task,
We surely would deny.
For we would never admit bad thoughts
Or how things make us feel.
So we just file it away under
“Things we don’t reveal”
We all have secrets that we keep
From each other and the world.
We know the damage that could be done
If these secrets were unfurled.
People would view us in a different light
If our secrets were revealed.
So we try with all our might
To make sure they stay concealed.
And we go about our life
As if there’s nothing that we’re hiding,
Yet all the while our conscience
And our secrets are colliding.
It’s not because we’re deceitful
Or that we’re trying to hide.
It’s because we’re only human
And we want to protect our pride.
But those secrets can weigh us down
And bring darkness to our day.
Our lives can be impacted
By the things we tuck away.
But we mustn’t feel isolated
Or that we’re all alone,
Because everyone around us
Has secrets of their own.
-K.A. Bloch-
