In my second book, “Scatter Seeds of Kindness”, I told a very personal and raw story about a bullying/name calling experience that happened in high school (https://thepracticalpoet.com/the-bully-from-scatter-seeds-of-kindness/). At that time, as many young people do, I tried to hide whenever I saw this bully approach, because I knew the stream of insults that would be hurled my way. I didn’t have the courage or the confidence at that age to stand up to him, nor did I want to draw attention to myself by name calling in response. After all, would that make me any better than he was? Two wrongs don’t make a right, and all that, not to mention I would be mimicking the exact behavior that I was trying to discourage. You don’t want to lower yourself to their standards by hurling insults back at them the way they are spewing them about. However, there is a difference between name calling, which comes from a negative place and a position of low self-worth on the part of the name caller, and defending oneself, which comes from a self-confident position and by having a strong sense of worth. I wish I knew then what I know now! If someone called me a terrible name today, I would not shrink back from their words, and I would definitely have a few things to say in response, probably with one or two middle fingers in the air.
Recently, even in my fifties, I am still learning how to speak up for myself, which I have been doing more and more. It does take practice and it is like a muscle that you need to exercise, otherwise it will atrophy. These days I am asking the tough questions, and if something doesn’t feel right, I have been speaking up right away and questioning it or stating my point of view on the topic, without fear of repercussions or angering the other party. As long as it is done constructively, and from a place of curiosity rather than criticism, it is hard for someone to find fault when someone asks for clarification or states an opposing point of view. There is something very empowering by taking back one’s voice, and it puts others on alert that you are not going to tolerate or stand for their behavior.
There have been times in the past where I have been told that I should speak up more, take a stand, say how I feel without fear. Then there have been times when I have done just that, and I get criticized by someone saying, “I am not sure you should have said that,” or, “I think you hurt their feelings.” Or even if someone doesn’t say anything, I’ll catch the side-eye glance they are throwing my way as they try to figure out what’s come over me as I have suddenly spoken up. So, given all that, sometimes it’s better to just remain quiet. After all, a closed mouth holds no feet. But we should have the right and the courage to speak our minds without fear of repercussion, as long as it is done in a tactful way, with good intentions, and doesn’t serve to bring someone down or belittle anyone. How we express ourselves helps us grow, and stepping outside of our comfort zone and speaking up is a real opportunity for growth and a means to building confidence and self-esteem. Might we say the wrong thing? Possibly. Is there a chance we will hurt someone’s feelings with our words? Sure. But again, if it’s done with good intent, someone shouldn’t be upset with us, even if they don’t agree with what we are saying. But speaking up in public, or even in a small group, can be a daunting feat, especially when dealing with someone who does have bad intent or relishes in hurting someone else with teasing or bullying. This is a person who is not going to be easy to deal with and will not listen to reason. I wrote about facing our fears in a poem from this same book called The Fear of Fear https://thepracticalpoet.com/the-fear-of-fear-from-sow-seeds-of-wisdom/.
Going back my high school bullying experience, I may have been more fortunate than other kids who are bullied when they are in grammar school or even younger. I was already coming into my own as a young woman, and even though I wasn’t as self assured as I am now, I was more than likely stronger or able to deal with it better than someone much younger. Still, as I mentioned I would go in the other direction just to avoid him, and if I couldn’t avoid him, my heart would race, and the anxiety would kick in as I would lower my head as if in shame. But truth be told, he is the one who should’ve been ashamed. Looking back all these years later, I wish I had found my voice back then. If nothing else, maybe it would have stopped him from picking on someone else. As it turns out, fate intervened in this situation, and the bully left me alone due to a tragic change in his life circumstances, not because he suddenly grew a conscience or I suddenly found my voice. If you read the story of “The Bully,” you know the ending. If not, I hope you find the time to read it. Here is the link again to the blog post that tells the story followed by the poem (https://thepracticalpoet.com/the-bully-from-scatter-seeds-of-kindness/)
Not every bullying story is going to have such a devastating ending or even come to any closure at all. Sometimes the conclusion is that the bully gets bored and moves onto a new victim, or the school year comes to an end. In any case, I hope anyone who is bullied, or witnesses someone else being bullied, can find the courage and confidence to stand up for themselves or others and let the bully know they are not going to take it. That is a feeling of empowerment they will take with them long after the bully is out of their life.
Finding Our Voice
The bully strutted down the hall,
Spewing insults everywhere.
He walked behind a smaller girl
And pulled her by the hair.
He told her she was ugly
And shouldn’t be alive.
The little girl stood frozen,
Her heart beating in overdrive.
An older girl stood watching,
Equally as small.
Anxiety brewed inside of her
As she stood and watched it all.
But suddenly, like a jolt,
She felt herself become enraged.
And she sprang toward the bully
Like a beast that was uncaged.
She shouted at him to go away
And to not antagonize.
She told him he should leave
And pick on someone his own size.
But then she took that statement back
As she decided in hindsight
That it wasn’t fair to send him
To pick on someone his own height.
For he should not possess the power
To pick on anyone at all,
No matter if they’re small in stature,
Or equally as tall.
So she yelled for him to go away,
And then with just one blink,
Her mouth fell open as she saw
The bully start to shrink.
She watched him as he sauntered away.
His head was hanging low
As she put an arm around the girl
And they both watched him go.
The younger girl said, “Thank you.”
The older girl shook her head
And said that thanks aren’t needed;
It was enough that the bully fled.
But the older girl soon realized
She’d really had no choice
As she stood a little taller
After at last finding her voice.
For not so very long ago
She was a victim too.
And she had stood small and helpless,
And unsure of what to do.
But no one had stood up for her.
No one came to her aid
As she tried to keep a brave façade,
Standing alone and so afraid.
So in this smaller girl
She had felt a large connection
As she recalled how she had felt
While engaging in some reflection.
She realized she’d had enough,
And she felt it to her core.
She found her voice as she stood up
And finally said “No more!”
Sometimes that’s how it goes in life;
We get to a position
Where we decide no longer
Will we give in to submission.
We square off our shoulders
And straighten our backbone,
And suddenly we feel as if
At least three feet we’ve grown.
This stance gives us the courage,
But it also comes from within.
We feel a transformation
As fearlessness kicks in.
Adrenaline takes over.
We feel a strength we never knew.
And by looking in their eyes,
We know the bully feels it too.
As they start to back away,
In fact they even cower
As we overcome our fear
And stand in our own power.
And all around, those who witness
Cheer us on as they rejoice
For it may have taken many years
But we’ve finally found our voice.
-K.A. Bloch-
